Hey Reader,
Last week, I sent a text that took every ounce of courage I had.
I've already shared how after being evicted from my London home, losing my main client, and retreating to a hometown where I've never belonged, I'd hit rock bottom.
Friends had offered their spare rooms. Their support. Their help. But something inside me kept waiting for the 'perfect' invitation - one where I wouldn't feel like I was imposing.
And one where I wouldn't have to be the first to reach out.
But, after six weeks of being in a self-imposed exile I sucked up my ego and typed: When would be a good time to take you up on that offer to stay?
This text changed everything.
When my friend replied with "Come this weekend," something shifted.
I packed a bag for one night, surrendered to her cooking our meals driving us to kizomba, and even borrowed her clothes for a spontaneous second night out.
For someone who's built her life around complete autonomy, this felt very strange. I'm used to doing everything myself; I never ask anyone for anything.
And the result? The best weekend I've had in months!
A mental health reset I desperately needed.
The Independence Paradox
The ability to handle everything yourself can be both your greatest strength and your most limiting weakness.
Ever since I was a child, my mother always called me "too independent" and I wore this label like a badge of honour.
I'm an introvert and an only child: everything from my neurobiology to my environment has meant I've naturally gravitated towards doing things alone.
But it wasn't a compliment.
What I've recently come to realise is that this fierce self-reliance isn't always the strength I thought it was.
Sometimes it's a trauma response - a protective mechanism whispering "You can only rely on yourself."
When I dug deeper, I found that I have many of the listed signs of hyper-independence:
- Anxiety
- Perfectionism
- Getting easily burnt out
- Difficulty in asking for help
- Struggling to trust other people
Never asking anyone for anything meant I could never be rejected or let down.
But I'm human, so trying to do EVERYTHING by myself means I've sometimes missed out, slowed my progress and also denied those who care about me the pleasure of an act of service.
This weekend, I saw how me reaching out to my friend had also made her feel good.
The Power of Radical Collaboration
Stanford University's Life Design Lab teaches radical collaboration: the idea that life design, though personal, was never meant to be a solo journey.
The most fulfilling paths emerge when we open ourselves to others' perspectives, support, and yes, even their spare bedrooms when we need them.
And progress happens faster when we ask for help.
How to Start Asking for Help (Even If It Feels Uncomfortable)
If you also tend to try and do everything alone, practising asking for help will fast-track your progress as we get to work on designing the life that works for you.
Overcoming hyper-independence can also help you avoid burnout and regain control - not just have the illusion of it.
Try these:
- Start small: practice asking for minor favours - help moving something, feedback on an idea, an introduction. Strength builds with repetition.
- Be specific: people want to help, but they need direction. Instead of “I need advice,” try “Do you have experience with X? I’d love your insight.”
- Remember, it's a two-way street: collaboration isn’t just about receiving; it’s about exchanging value. You have something to offer too.
Independence is brilliant until it becomes isolation. The bridge between the two? Simply asking.
Who's in your corner?
Where might you be stuck because you're trying to do everything alone? What tiny ask could change your trajectory?
If you're struggling with something right now and need help figuring it out, hit reply.
Sometimes naming what you need is the hardest part - and I'm here to listen.
Until next week!
In your corner always,
Sam 💛
