Hey Reader,

Last week, I asked a question on Threads: has anyone ever read your silence as anger or sulking, when you were simply processing?

Nearly thirty people replied, and most of the answers were some version of 'All the time'.

A few have stayed with me.

One person said it had caused a rift they couldn’t fix. Another had been called arrogant and told they “should smile more”. Someone else said it was their boss who read them that way.

Then one person asked a question I suspect a lot of us have wondered about: how long does the processing actually take? Minutes, hours, days, weeks?

There’s research behind the first part of this, at least.

Psychologists have long proposed that introverts tend to pause when something new or emotionally charged happens, so they can take in more of the detail before they respond.

Extroverts are more likely to carry on and respond in the moment.

That pause is where your processing happens: from the outside, though, it can look like you’ve switched off, or that you’re upset.

The research on how that gets read isn’t kind.

A set of studies published last year found that introverted employees were consistently rated as less warm and less competent than extraverted ones, and that held whether the person doing the rating was an introvert or an extrovert.

So when you go silent, the people around you fill the gap with a story. The story they reach for is rarely a generous one.

As for how long processing takes, I haven’t found a study that puts a number on it, and I’d be wary of anyone who gives you one. It depends on what you’re processing, what else is going on and how depleted you already are.

What I did notice is that the people who said it no longer bothers them had one thing in common: they’d stopped expecting other people to guess.

One reply put it better than I could: I’m thinking about what you said. I’m not ignoring you’ leaves less room for guessing.

You don’t owe anyone an instant response, but you can let them know one is coming.

A few ways to say it:

→ “I want to give that a proper answer. Can I come back to you tomorrow?”
→ “I’m still thinking about what you said.”
→ “Give me a minute. I’m taking that in.”

So here’s your question for this month:

Who in your life most often misreads your silence, and what would you want them to know?

If you’d like the language to explain how you process to the people who keep getting it wrong, that’s what the User Manual is for. It covers seven patterns of introvert wiring, with the research behind each one, and you can read it tonight: https://read.introvert-os.com/​

In your corner always,

Sam 💛

P.S. Hit reply and tell me who came to mind. I read every one.

Sam Sheppard Introvert Strategist Neuroscience-backed insights for introverts who are tired of adapting to a world that wasn't built for them.