Hey Reader,
Not a single photo exists of me for TEN YEARS of my life.
I was badly bullied growing up and it left me with zero confidence; I'd look in the mirror and feel ashamed that I was inflicting such hideousness on others just by existing.
I'd put myself down in a way I'd never even dream of thinking about anyone else.
Call myself terrible names.
And even the sight of a camera would cause me to panic, as I couldn't cope with being reminded of how ugly I was - of my otherness.
I had a 10 year relationship during that time and not a single photo of us exists.
I was controlled by shame.
For most of my life I've been aware that my bullies were the root cause of my physical insecurities but it's only recently occurred to me that I was equally ashamed of my personality.
Because I've never really fit in anywhere.
Always been the outsider.
The Invisible Wound
Society has a particular idea of who you should be to be liked, admired or successful.
When you're wired differently - when your strength comes from reflection rather than reaction, when you need solitude to recharge rather than crowds - it creates a fundamental disconnect.
A nagging sense that something is wrong with you.
And so we adapt. We contort ourselves into shapes that feel unnatural:
- Forcing smiles in overwhelming social situations
- Agreeing to commitments that drain our energy
- Staying silent when something hurts
- Answering yes when we mean no
Each of these moments is a small betrayal of who we truly are. Each creates a layer of shame that settles deep within us.
The irony?
Even when I tried to be what people wanted, they still left, or treated me badly. Loved me conditionally. I've always felt disposable. The person you settle for, not actively choose.
I thought the problem was me. That I wasn’t likeable enough. Confident enough. Pretty enough. Easy enough.
But the real problem was this:
I had learned to abandon myself before anyone else could.
The Breaking Point
The first time I hit rock bottom in my life was back in 2015, when I had to cancel my wedding, got made redundant and lost the house I'd fought to own in a matter of months.
Back then, I had zero self-esteem.
But, in having to rebuild my life and being forced to focus on self-care, I realised that continuing as I had been was no longer an option.
Your breaking point doesn't need to be anywhere near as dramatic; you just need to reach the place where survival is no longer enough.
To want more for yourself.
Choosing Myself
To move forward, things had to change.
So I began to do the work to believe in, and love, myself. It was slow progress and it took years - but I did it.
I'm still on a journey but I no longer say mean things to myself, I can tolerate photos - and even sometimes think I look kinda good in them - and I've started choosing ME.
I learnt that keeping small promises to myself helped me to begin to trust myself. That could be as small as drinking a glass of water when I wake each morning.
By building trust, I began to value myself.
I stopped dismissing compliments and instead started logging them, so I could use them for a validation boost when I didn't have the strength to boost myself.
When I caught myself engaging in negative self-talk, I'd redirect it.
I learnt how to challenge my limiting beliefs and set boundaries, and began practising doing both.
Going on solo dates and, later, solo travels, further boosted my trust in myself. I'm no longer afraid to say no or make authentic choices.
The past ten years have been the happiest of my life: I've travelled all over the world, worked with companies like Google and spoken comfortably to auditoriums. I know my value and I'm secure in who I am. People only get to be in my life if they respect me and my boundaries.
And even though I recently hit rock bottom for the second time, due to circumstances outside of my control, now I trust myself to get through it. To rebuild something that was better than I could have imagined.
My circumstances may have changed, but my value hasn't.
And won't.
There's freedom in that.
Try this:
Each time you hear your inner critic speak, ask: Whose voice is this really?
It's likely you've been carrying around someone else's cruelty like it's your truth. I hear self-deprecating comments from introverts ALL the time. It breaks my heart because I know what's behind those words.
Breaking the pattern of speaking to myself like I was my own worst enemy was truly life-changing for me. I had to learn to catch myself in the act, question or reframe and begin instead to talk to myself like I would a friend. With the kindness and respect that I've always shown to everyone - except myself.
You don’t need to become someone else to be worthy.
You’re not too quiet. Or too much. Or too intense. Or too weird.
You’re someone who’s spent too long filtering your truth to survive in a world that wasn't designed for you.
And the opposite of self-doubt isn’t arrogance. It’s self-trust.
And trust is built one small, courageous choice at a time.
I promise you: if I got there, you can too.
In other news, my beta testing period has come to an end and so that means it's almost launch time! Eek! I have a lil' something to help you get started on your own life design journey that removes the overwhelm coming to your inbox VERY soon.
In your corner always,
Sam 💛
