Hey Reader,
We're told that setting boundaries makes life easier.
But - being real - in my experience? This isn't always the case.
The right people will stay, they say. Work will become healthier.
Relationships will feel more reciprocal. Clarity will be rewarded.
This isn't always what has happened.
As a life-long people pleaser I spent many years being exploited in work settings. Saying yes when I should have said no.
When I began to set boundaries it was clumsy, and whilst sometimes it worked often my poor communication of them meant I was perceived negatively. I also lost ongoing work with a repeat client after setting a boundary related to my mental health after years of giving them more than I should (like facilitating 16 hours of face-to-face training whilst on crutches and in pain with a freshly broken toe).
In dating, boundaries mean I'm no longer entangled with men who drain me, manipulate me or need fixing. That's a win. It also means I've been single for a loooong time. I'm achingly lonely at times. Both things are true.
In my dance community, I set a boundary with someone who'd been taking advantage of my time and energy. The over-giving stopped. So did the friendship. We're cordial now, but that's all.
What's rarely said out loud is that boundaries don't guarantee better outcomes. They reveal misalignment.
They don't promise belonging. They end self-betrayal.
Most boundary conversations quietly imply that if things fall apart afterwards, you did it wrong.:
Too harsh. Too rigid. Not compassionate enough.
I don't believe that anymore.
What boundaries actually gave me wasn't ease, security, or approval. It was something quieter and harder to explain.
Self-respect.
The ability to sleep knowing I didn't override myself to be liked, kept or paid. The end of that constant internal negotiation: How much of myself do I have to give up to stay?
That's the boundary I wish I'd understood sooner. Not the one that keeps everyone happy. The one that keeps me intact.
Because here's the trade-off we're rarely invited to examine honestly:
You can have proximity without protection. Or you can have protection without guarantees.
Boundaries don't make life kinder. They make it clearer.
And clarity can be brutal.
But living without boundaries erodes something even more costly than income, companionship, or harmony. It erodes your relationship with yourself.
Once that goes, everything else follows.
And what I can honestly tell you is that, despite all of the above, I'm the most confident I have ever been. I trust, and love, myself.
Something 25 year old me would never have thought possible.
Unbound Shift
Boundaries reveal misalignment. They don't fix it.
When you set a boundary and someone leaves, that's not evidence you did it wrong. It's evidence that the relationship required your compliance to function.
Some relationships only work when you're abandoning yourself. When you stop, they end.
That's information, not failure.
The question isn't whether boundaries will make your life better. It's this: What are you losing by continuing to abandon yourself?
That might be a harder loss to see because it happens slowly. But it's happening.
Unbound Step
Sit with one question this week: What am I losing by not setting this boundary?
Not what you might lose if you set it. What you're already losing by not setting it.
Maybe it's self-respect. Maybe it's energy. Maybe it's your ability to trust yourself. Maybe it's the slow erosion of who you actually are beneath all the compliance.
Write it down. Don't fix it. Don't create an action plan. Just see it clearly.
Because the cost of boundaries isn't always obvious. But the cost of not having them compounds quietly until you barely recognise yourself.
What are you losing by staying silent? Hit reply and tell me.
In your corner always,
Sam 💛
P.S. The hardest part of boundaries isn't knowing what you need; it's saying it when the outcome isn't guaranteed to be kind.
If you're tired of scrambling for words or softening yourself to avoid fallout, my Boundary Setting Playbook gives you language that protects your needs without over-explaining or justifying your wiring. Not as a guarantee that people will stay. But as a way to honour yourself even when they don't.
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Sam Sheppard
Introvert OS™
I share practical tools to help you design a life that actually fits.
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